Why Are We Attracted to Certain People and Not Others?
Unpacking the science of attraction: how biology, psychology, and personal experiences shape who catches our eye
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In today's newsletter, we uncover the law of attraction and why we are attracted to some people and not others.
Attraction is a funny thing, isn't it? I remember my first real crush when I was in primary school. Her name was Shona, and she was a year older than me. I still remember my excitement as our paths would cross in the playground -- her in her group of friends and me in mine.
I made a Valentine's card and plucked the courage to give it to Shona (of course, via a friend, as you did) on the day of love. The plan didn't go quite as it should, cold as you like. Shona ripped it up, and my friend returned the card, now in pieces. I was devastated, but it was my first crush.
Who and what we are attracted to does change over time, but why do we have these attractions, why are we not attracted to others, and why does it change?
Let's find out in today's Five Whys.
Why #1: Why do we feel attracted to certain people?
Attraction happens when someone triggers a mix of biological, emotional, and psychological responses in us. But it's not random – factors like physical traits (a warm smile, symmetrical features) and behavioural cues (kindness, confidence) often play a role. It's like your brain has a mental checklist, scanning for qualities that align with your innate preferences and personal experiences. This is why one person might make your heart flutter while another leaves you indifferent – they simply don't match what your brain is searching for.
Why #2: Why does our brain have a "checklist" for attraction?
This mental checklist isn't something you consciously control – it's shaped by biology, culture, and life experiences. Evolution nudges you toward traits like physical health (e.g., clear skin, symmetry) or emotional warmth because they signal good genes or a stable partnership. Meanwhile, your past relationships, upbringing, and even societal standards tweak this checklist further, adding personal touches like shared values or specific personality traits. It's a blend of nature and nurture: what your biology needs and your heart has learned to want.
Why #3: Why do biology and personal experiences influence attraction so much?
Biology drives attraction to ensure survival and reproduction, but personal experiences customise it for compatibility. For instance, evolutionary biology might guide you toward traits like strength or kindness. Still, your upbringing shapes what those traits look like in practice. You might be drawn to witty people if you grew up valuing humour. If you've been hurt, you may unconsciously avoid people who remind you of that. Attraction isn't just about survival but finding someone who fits your life.
Why #4: Why is compatibility such a key factor in attraction?
Compatibility increases the chances of a successful, stable bond – something evolution rewards. It's not just about passing on genes but creating an environment where offspring (or even a relationship) can thrive. Shared values, mutual respect, and emotional safety ensure the connection lasts long enough to achieve these goals. This is why someone might be physically attractive but not appealing to you – without compatibility, the spark fizzles out.
Why #5: Why is the drive for survival and connection at the heart of attraction?
Life exists to perpetuate itself, and humans are wired to seek out connections that support this goal. But unlike other animals, we evolved complex social and emotional needs. This means attraction isn't just about biology – it's also about finding someone who makes us feel understood, safe, and valued. At its core, attraction helps us connect in ways that ensure survival, not just of genes but of meaningful relationships that make life worth living.
In Summary...
While attraction feels incidental, it isn't random; it mixes survival instincts, emotional needs, and personal preferences. Some people simply tick more of the right boxes, making them feel like the perfect match in a world full of options.
We're drawn to some people more than others because attraction is influenced by various factors. Biology plays a role, as we naturally seek traits like health, symmetry, and confidence. Personal experiences also shape what we find appealing, forming our individual preferences. Lastly, compatibility is key—sharing values, forming emotional connections, and having good timing help create lasting bonds.
Whilst gutted about Shona, it didn't take me long to get over, and my next crush followed not long after - weirdly also a Shona.
Thanks for reading, and remember, curiosity leads to these fascinating discoveries.
So, keep asking those questions and stay curious. If you like this article, please consider hitting the heart and subscribe to the Five Whys.
- Matt